Friday, August 12, 2005

Alternate universe: Jim as a D player

Over the next few weeks, I might try to explore some alternate timelines just for fun. What if I hadn't moved to Boston? What if I had joined up with Titanic in 1990 instead of waiting for 1992? What if Mooney had thrown a simple backhand instead of that hammer?

But those all have easy branching points, and it doesn't seem that hard to follow an alternate path. What if, instead, I had been a D player?

Oh, I know what you're saying. "Jim, would you really want to have half of your brain sucked out? And you've always seemed too honest to be willing to resort to thuggery."

So, I don't know whether to make this a not-so-subtle jab at D players or whether to write this honestly. Hmmm.

It would be easy to make a little list, like:
  1. O guys never have to layout, so they're pussies.
  2. O guys don't have to be in shape since they only play one point at a time, and if they are any good, they'll be off the field in 10 seconds.
  3. Did I mention O guys are pussies?
  4. Re #1 and #3, they call any little contact. "Ooh, excessive breathing, that's a foul!"
  5. The rules were clearly written by an O player who needs help to avoid being completely shut down everywhere on the field.
  6. Throwing is so overrated.
  7. Offenses should score every time, and no, not because we defenders suck.

Eh, this'll have to do for now.

5 comments:

Cohen said...

i've been told, though i have no personal corroborating experience, that o players get to attempt to score without first having to force a turnover. if so, they are huge pussies.

luke said...

wow. the wacky world juxtiposition of jim playing 'd' and the first blog 'spam comment'...

it's... awesome.

Seigs said...

Jim:

Addendum to #2. Assuming you play a tournament with 7 games with an average of 25 points in each, a D player who plays 75% of the points has to run about 65 100-yard sprints on the weekend while the O guys comfortably cheer them on from the sidelines (assuming a good puller, too, of course).

parinella said...

100 yard sprints? How about 70? And that's only if you're covering a handler, and the pull is in bounds, and you're not a back guy in a zone or junk.

And what's this about the O cheering from the sideline?

Edward Lee said...

Oh, I know what you're saying. "Jim, would you really want to have half of your brain sucked out? And you've always seemed too honest to be willing to resort to thuggery."

I know what I'm thinking, but I won't post it now because my team (Suckwagon) is playing yours on Saturday.